On Monday the 28th of February I will be 55 years old. This is typed with such an air of finality. Fifty-five. Five decades plus five. Half a century plus five.
Until today I didn't understand the statement "where did all the time go?" Now I do. Right now, right this minute it's not just a number. It's MY number. It represents so many things - and I just don't know which thing to choose.
Exhilarating? Oh yes - I'm still here to observe another birthday.
Happy? Yes, again. I'm healthy - albeit overweight - and I have my family and I have my sister living just four floors down from us.
Sad? Somewhat. No set of instructions came with this body. There should always be a set of instructions that God sends with each and every creation. At each stage of life, we should just instinctively know how we're supposed to feel. All of a sudden, I have wild urges to spike my hair, dye it some wild blond color and wear clothes a gypsy wouldn't be caught dead in. Someone please tell me what that is all about.
I also find myself internally at odds with other people. Thank you, Lord, that this is an internal situation; I don't find myself externally expressing dissatisfaction with others' behavior or their beliefs. Most days I find myself observing more and talking less. Observing is a very powerful tool - a very powerful and unexpected tool. When you find yourself simply observing, you become a magnet and suddenly there are people who just want to talk. No reason. No ulterior motive. Just talk. I'm not sure what that's all about either.
I've come to the conclusion that perhaps reaching 55 is just the beginning of an adventure. It's a rediscovery time of what I want to do when I grow up. It's a little intimidating, it's roller-coaster scary and it's a good feeling. Those periods of wanting to be "part of the crowd" are long gone - and now it's just me & my dear husband. Of course, there's our children & grandchildren...but mainly, it's just the two of us. We have all those years behind us - good years, not-so-good days - and there's all this time in front of us.
So another milestone will happen next week - and I think I'm ready for it - gypsy clothes & blond spiky hair.